Peludah Warna

Kuasa gusar kini menggelegak murka;
warna kuning diisytihar racun terbisa.
Diragutnya baju-T segeram tenaga
dan diumum itulah busana bahaya.

Tapi, kita jahit semula perca kain,
menjadikannya panji terindah dan tulen.
Warna kuning yang teramat tenang dan syahdu
kita kembalikan damai ke dalam qalbu.

Kini cahaya mentari mungkin diramas
dan sinar kuningnya juga mungkin dicantas.
Memanglah mereka kini peludah warna
sedang menghimpun lendir kahak sebanyaknya.

Kerana nikmat amat lama berkuasa,
kuasa pun seolah menjadi hartanya.

A Samad Said

Seeking courage

"People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight. All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it, don't sit looking at it - walk."

Ayn Rand

When something shakes my courage, the only way to regain is to read this quote by Ayn Rand over and over again. People always say I'm brave but they don't know how afraid I am inside at times. When I turn back, I'm amazed with the leap I took for the past couple of years. I don't know if it's a right move but we'll see.

A lost sheep in a Russian Orthodox Church during Easter Sunday

Finished work on Sunday 12.30am and rushed to The "Pokrov" (Intercession of the Holy Virgin Russian Orthodox Church) for the Pascha and was there till 5am only because I had to leave and get some sleep before I started work at 12pm. This parish celebrated the Pascha starting from Holy Saturday (9pm) till Easter Sunday (10am -11am). Can't believe I stood for 3 hours straight! Of course my feet were killing me. This is my very first time in a Russian Orthodox church and I felt very very lost at first when I got there. First I'm the only Asian and secondly, I speak NO RUSSIAN. The service was conducted in Russian of course but thanks to my Brother's quick 15 minutes lesson on skype, I somewhat managed to survive that night. I did remember to cross from RIGHT TO LEFT and bow a little and make sure my scarf was covering my head. So much of bowing that night. I don't know if I would go back there again because almost no one speaks English except for very few people but it was a great experience.














A residential house converted into a church.

The priest giving a speech during the feast.

A Good Life.

Many associate doing good with happiness. Doing good not necessary makes you happy. There are times when we struggle between doing good and being happy.

If you do not understand this, meaning you're constantly doing things that makes you happy without thinking whether it's good or bad. To some people, not getting what you want or desire is so foreign and difficult to understand.

Example of a scenario. It's can be a ridiculous example but it proves how one can be very ignorant.

I want to eat egg tarts but I can't because I promise to stay away from egg tarts.

Here's the argument:

"Then just eat it! Why torture yourself? It's just egg tart. How much harm can it do?"

"But... I want to stay away from it. It's an act of discipline. Abstinence from the tartttt."

"But it's just an egg tart. Look at you, you're so desperate for it because you cannot have it. Why not just eat the damn tart so you can be happy!"

"I want to but I won't. For now."

"You're being ridiculous."

Everyone is selfish in their own ways and I don't expect everyone to understand my act. But I do appreciate if one actually stop and think about it. You don't have to perform it you just have to understand the rationale behind it.

Sometimes a little sacrifice can do a lot. Maybe I should read Aristotle's ethics and moral theories to have a better understanding of A Good Life.

This week I met a man who has a brain tumour and he's on heavy medication to keep himself alive. When he has a terrible pain in the head, he'll pop his medication and that's when he's a little on the mental side but other days he's fine and wants to help around in the centre. He was then given the task to make these simple costumes with bedsheets for an upcoming play. I sat at a corner looking at him making the costumes for and I couldn't help but teared in the washroom later because I don't think I can be working with someone whom I know may leave me anytime. We don't speak because he's from Eastern Europe and he speaks very little English. I left the centre immediately because I don't think I can control my emotions on that day.

Sometimes I feel so useless because I cannot separate these feelings from work. I know I would see him soon this week and look forward to all the costumes he made. Sheesh.. writing this post is watering up my eyes.

Can't wait for Easter Sunday to come. No because I can't wait to eat meat but I just wanna celebrate my very fist "sort of" successful Lent. I hate to admit it but I did eat chocolates. =( But no egg tarts definitely.

I was bored for 10 minutes and said to myself, "hey why not camwhore a little since I have red lipstick on."

I cut my own fringe 2 weeks ago. That's the week I was working on my Professional Design 3 and I was so stressed out and decided to take the scissors and chop-chop! Ugh.. my fringe was so horrible and I was wearing a hat to cover my horrible mistake. My friends laughed of course but now the length is alright to walk in public. Still not liking it but hey, what's done is done.

Back to assignments.

"Jinn" (The chinese character is Kuan = Jinn)

I'm officially a Chinese girl working in a Chinese take out place. I find this so bloody hilarious when I came back from work today. Anyway, I'm so way behind my final work and I really need to catch up!! One more month to my final design deadline. Yikes! I'm so slow in model-making and I'm so worried!!

This was the model that I've did pretty "cincai" for my Gallery Cafe submission. My cutting skills are degrading.

I should have done this last year.

The longer I stay in Manchester, the more I feel like I belong here. Working in Malaysia or Asia especially in the city can be suffocating for me now. Just thinking about it makes me so afraid to go back. Asians are so materialistic. Even if you're not, I believe sooner or later you'll just be sucked into that world because the atmosphere and people that surround you everyday just doesn't allow you to think further and grow. Well, you grow to want money and luxury items I guessed. I am a little bit materialistic but slowly I've come to my senses and moving away from that thought and desire. Most EUs don't even care whether you're wearing a luxury bag/apparel or not and because most of them don't bother, you tend to not bother. And the atmosphere here is so healthy for me. It really makes you focus on much important matters in life and build healthy characteristics rather than working your ass of day and night just for luxury. The meaning of comfortable life is so distorted from where I come from. Being in overseas has made me embrace my Malaysian side and Chinese culture. I do miss my Malaysian culture. =( Thus, still proud being an exotic Asian (Hehe..=D) but I just don't want to be sucked into the poor working ethics. I've been there. My previous company was, well in urban terms, "an ass". The crazy hours + meager earnings + lousy management, still leaves a bitter taste in my tongue when I think about my past experiences. Add peer pressure to that equation, "mampus la". It's the cognitive environment/culture which made you and everyone else think it's a NORMAL situation but now as I move further from the picture, it was so abnormal and an unhealthy concept of living. But who knows, maybe I might not be able to stay here and have to move back to Malaysia. It's not entirely negative but I know what I will be missing out in future. I just have to resort to our good food for comfort.

I should have done volunteer work a long time ago. I considered myself lazy last year for not trying hard enough to get involve in voluntary work.

"Seperti melepaskan batuk di tangga".

I want to keep this spirit even if I'm back in Malaysia. Each time I come back from the centre, I feel so uplifted! Every week I meet so many colourful people and gain different experiences from working in the centre (similar to event management but not the same class of people of course). I have to admit I am shocked at times and it's difficult to keep a straight face or not be emotional when I hear about their rough stories because I really don't know how rough can the streets be like. I cannot even picture being in a ghetto neighbourhood or circle (watching movies doesn't count). So I'm not 'feeling' it, yo.

Gosh this job is really overwhelming but in a positive way!

Okay, time to get back in doing my CAD plans. Final project deadline is so close!! Yikes!