Where do you start?

I have no fancy words or mighty Christian vocabulary for this blog post. I pen down what's exactly in my head now.

Where do you go to seek your faith? It's good to know that being a Christian is more than just attending church, reading the Bible and getting involve in church/youth activities. It's actually living the Christian life itself. I have many Christian friends who bullshits to me. Looking all holy and thinking they have a strong faith and all that. In the end, they are no different from me. At least I don't live in denial and I know I'm not fit yet to practice the religion but I'm taking baby steps. It's so hard for me because I have no motivation or the will or maybe I'm just lazy. I skip church services, I gossip, I steal sometimes, I prejudice certain races, I have sex, I smoke stuff I shouldn't be smoking, I lie, I have dirty thoughts and much more. I need cleansing treatments. I need to get out from my world.

Just few weeks ago I discovered my Jesus-loving-I-love-and-care-for-the-whole-world is an anti-Semite. So it doesn't matter what you do or portray yourself to be but it's all about the inner thoughts and true feelings you've got deep down. This then brought me to question my inner thoughts and this is how I know that I'm not ready. I think it's better to admit your sins and (maybe) continue the sins, but denying it, is worse isn't it? Because if He's real, there's no way you can lie to Him. Another thing is to know is to love and if you don't know so many things

about the religion itself, how one can one love? The worst is to think you know it all but the truth is you don't. I don't know if what I'm typing makes sense.

But I want to be ready someday. I really want to.

When the 'someday' comes, I want to walk in this shoes with these stockings.